Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The Ten Absolute Worst Official Frozen Merchandise

by Megan S.

It's been a year and a half since Frozen was released and the public's love of the Disney film has not yet cooled, especially now with the release of the new short Frozen Fever and news of a sequel being made. Capitalizing on the adoration, even the most bizarre products are being branded with the Snow Queen's face. And boy are they horrible.  Being the intrepid reporter I am, I dug until I found the absolute worst officially licensed products.

Yes indeed. Join me in a schadenfreude-y review of these ten terrible tie-ins.

Fake Eyelashes 

I spotted these furry babies at Walgreens and am having trouble deciding what's worse: that the packaging for such a cheeseball product looks like it's aimed at children or they've branded fake eyelashes meant to make you look more like Elsa with the tagline "Be your own kind of beautiful."

Olaf Duck Tape

Why does this exist?  I literally can't come up with a real world need or even a craft idea where this would be appropriate. The pattern isn't even attractive.

Gluten Free Gummies

Of course you'd want your officially licensed Disney Complete Multi-Vitamin Gummies to be gluten free just like, I suppose, the real Olaf would be if you were to eat him.

Frozen Toddler & Adult Toilet Seat

Potty training your toddler? Just tell them to Let It Go.

Yes, I had to say it.

Wet Wipes

This is getting ridiculous. Baby butt wipes. I can't even bring myself to make a melting joke.

Fisher-Price Power Wheels Disney Frozen Jeep Wrangler

What was the thought behind this one? If Anna had a Power Wheels Jeep Wrangler, she could have made it up the mountain a whole lot faster? 

Three Wheel Scooter

Finally!  Someone's filled the Frozen-loving-children-in-need-of-a-scooter-to-tour-the-cobblestone-streets-of-Europe niche.

[Editor's note: according to my mother, I would have loved this as a child.  I'm guessing it's because I was both too lazy and way too uncoordinated to really get into the whole bicycle thing.]

Olaf Waffles

The whole joke behind Olaf is that he'd die if he ever got his wish of being toasty... and now he has.

Stained Glass Bikini Bottom

Cover your ladyparts with the Snow Queen and her sister. The top is sold separately.

Olaf Snow Cone Maker
I saved the worst for last and it is so, so wrong. Remember when I joked about consuming Olaf?  Well, it turns out someone else had the same idea. Your children are eating Olaf straight from the source while he grins through the pain.  (See if the kiddies can spot the look of abject horror in his eyes!)

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  1. I can't believe its taken someone this long to realize they can put a character on butt wipes. Watch out for yellow snow!

    1. Oh! Good call on the bad joke, Arch!