Thursday, August 14, 2014

Hello Mother, Hello Father

Sending letters home is an integral part of the camp experience. Sharing triumphs and defeats with your parental units, guardians, or shadowy government agencies that control your every move, is encouraged.

Note: All mail may be monitored.

Dear Parental Units,

It's a lot hotter in the volcano than I thought it would be. I earned my own Mini-Me, but my night raid on the Superhero camp did not quite go according to plan. This is the last time I let you send me anywhere with bargain basement materials.

Dr. Evil keeps measuring my head and muttering about freaking laser beams. I'm told to "zip it" whenever I ask about his plans.

If you have any urgent job I could undertake at home, now would be a good time to pick me up.

Hello Shadow Bureaucrat who serves as a parental figure. Hello cryptocracy responsible for my existence.

Here I am a Camp Supervillain. They say it isn't worth complaining as we'll have some productive time in the lab when it stops acid raining.

You remember (or can access her NSA file) Joey Spivey?  She ran afoul with camp counselor Poison Ivy.  She said Ivy's flytrap was no prize winner.  The next day, Joey found toxic mushrooms in her mediocre stroganoff dinner.

All the counselors hate the neighboring camp, so Ursula's put something in the superheroes' water supply to cause stomach cramp. Counselor Lex Luthor says he doesn't want to me to be a pushover. I think that's why he blew up my stuffed toy, Grover.

Now, I don't wish to alarm you, but I think my bunkmate has the Harpy Bird Flu. And Trudy Crenshon? She's been "unfortunately, unintentionally shifted into another dimension."

Take me home, I fear what might become of me. Take me home. Can't you see they're out to get me? Don't leave m...

Dear Lord and Lady Stuffington,

I was assured upon my departure for this godforsaken place that you had wired the funds to the appropriate sources and that I would be placed in Asgaard.

My mentor, for lack of a better term, is Dr. Doofenshmirtz.

So far I have learned that you should not place self-destruct buttons on the bottom of your robot's foot, that life in Gimmelshtump makes Barkley's Preparatory for Ambitious Children look like Disneyland, and that there's a platypus with a mean right hook.

Did you know that here they send animals after you to stop your plans? Animals. WITH HATS.

On the upside, Love Handel has been booked for the duration and have provided a life soundtrack for the week.

Dear Mother and Father,

I was assigned to Asgaard, as we planned. Mom, that acquisition of funds from the other camper was a stroke of genius that I know I will have to repay. With the tools I learn today, I will be assured of a prosperous tomorrow.

I seem to be quite adept at Master Loki's shape-changing ability.

So adept, that I plan to impersonate Loki himself and pay a visit to the lovely Poison Ivy.

P.S. It so happens that Master Loki does an impeccable impersonation of Poison Ivy. I'm told my hair will grow back and that the green tinge to my skin won't last more than a year. Tops.

Dear Bank That Oversees My Trust Fund,

I am writing this obligatory note to inform you of how your most recent disbursement of funds has been allocated, as I know that you are required to keep track of expenditures after the shocking and untimely death of my parents in that completely unexpected hot air balloon accident. (Who could have predicted that the basket would have a weak spot on the bottom AND that the ropes securing it to the balloon would be so badly frayed AND that the the balloon would spring a massive leak AND that the gas tank would erupt so unexpectedly? Certainly not I.)

Please note for your records that I am currently enrolled at a summer camp for like-minded youth, where I am learning skills that will be beneficial to me in the future. I have been assigned to Dr. Evil's volcano cabin, where we were awakened at dawn on our first day for a ritualistic shaving of our — actually, I believe that aspect of the ritual is meant to be kept a secret. Suffice it to say, our cabin has experienced a number of bonding experiences that will lead to spirited competition in later years when we begin to compete with our old chums for global supremacy.

While at camp, I have enjoyed my lessons in archery, ransom note composition, and manipulating global currency exchanges. (Side note: I believe I can offer you some advice for your future dealings with certain Eastern European bankers.) In addition, I have come to believe that a gray jumpsuit is the outfit of the future. I recommend adopting them as your corporate uniform immediately.

I hope this is enough explanation for how I have allocated the trust funds you provided me, and I look forward to seeing you again at the annual Thanksgiving shareholders meeting/ward of the bank dinner.

F. Jones

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