Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Guest Post: Stephen Blackmoore, Instrument of Fate

Stephen Blackmoore's BROKEN SOULS, book 2 in the Eric Carter series, is out today! To say I was merely looking forward to this book is a massive understatement. It also did not disappoint. 

In anticipation of today, I asked if Blackmoore would like to visit Stellar Four for a guest post or interview. Happily, he agreed, so I decided to ask for a little favor. See, I am not just a fan of his books, I also look forward to his hilariously creepy horoscopes* on Twitter. I asked if he would gaze deep into the stars and tell us our fates. Apparently the appropriate sacrifices to the Elder Gods were made, because here they are, in their terrifying glory. I thank you and curse you, Blackmoore!

Man. You do ONE little horoscope and... okay, you do almost ONE year's worth of horoscopes on Twitter and everybody wants you to tell them their future.

I AM A SERIOUS ARTISTE, PEOPLE. 

Which I think might actually be some kind of artisanal cheese or new Starbucks coffee drink. I'm really not sure.

ANYWAY, the fine ladies at Stellar Four have requested that I use my stunning and totally 100% ACCURATE (for a given definition of "accurate") predictions to help them navigate the highways and byways and sideways and upways and whateverways of life.

BEHOLD THE POWER OF PROPHECY WITH THESE HANDCRAFTED, BESPOKE FATES!

LEO (MEGHAN): You will be pressed into service as a bridesmaid for the wedding of the century between every able-bodied male between the ages of 18 and 25 and Grinthos The Formidable, Queen Of The Netherhells, Devourer of Hope, Enslaver Of All, and She Who Will Destroy The Sun. But don't worry, her brother Prahalix The Obscene, He Of The Strange Appendages, is makin' eyes at you. Remember to catch that bouquet!

VIRGO (MEGAN): Today you will learn the true meaning of friendship. It is to lay waste to the world with your army of murderous unicorns, goring and trampling, spreading terror, mayhem, and glitter across the land, devouring the corpses of your enemies in an orgy of blood. I have no idea what that has to do with friendship, but I don't understand the Care Bears, either.

ARIES (SARA): You will finally solve the greatest obstacle to time travel when you combine all types of verb tenses into the single indicasubjunctiditionalpastpluperfect but since its version of "to be" is willamareiswerewillwasbewereing it will rapidly fall into disuse, dooming mankind to forever experience moments one second at a time from past to future.

SAGITTARIUS (KATHY): Today after a desperate battle with a dark lord deep within the city's infrastructure for which you are clearly not prepared for you will be confronted with a terrible truth, pushing you ever deeper toward the dark side until you succumb and accept your destiny. Bozo The Clown is your father.

THE STARS HAVE SPOKEN! 

Stephen Blackmoore


*Note: I often write it first as horrorscope. Totally fits.

How did the four of us react to our fates? 

Megan threw glitter over the blessed words, hefted her mighty sword and proclaimed, "About damn time!"

Sara went back in time and cross-stitched the words so that they may live on in infamy upon her wall. She also saved JFK and killed Hitler, but that's a tale for another day.

As Meghan's career goals have always involved a top spot in the inner circle of the apocalypse, today's prediction is welcome news. She has also spent the last five years building an immunity to iocane powder. Watch your tea, Prahalix!

After accepting my fate as Bozo Jr, I now will undertake a quest to retrieve my sire from the clown side, or perish in the attempt. Also, I am framing this entire post.
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2 comments:

  1. I am also framing this entire post. I am going to learn how to do embroidery so I can embroider this on a pillow. It's beautiful.

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    1. Make me one while you're at it. I promise not to get good on your efforts. I can't say the same about the glitter, though. That stuff gets everywhere.

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