Monday, April 28, 2014

Conspiracy Theory: Cats Are NSA Spies

by Megan S.

Cats - hiding in plain sight

So, you changed all of your passwords when you heard about Heartbleed, you switched to using a burner phone, and you swept your place for bugs, yet the National Security Agency is still managing to uncover all of your secrets.  How is it possible?  Well, look no further than your fuzzy, four legged companion.  That's right.  It's your cat.  They see all and now they're telling all to your friendly neighborhood spy organization.

I've got the proof WikiLeaks is too scared to share.

Can you hear me now?
The Smudge chatters away at a hidden NSA handler, reporting my every move.

I uncovered the truth soon after Paisley moved in with me in January.  She appears to be a sweet and hyperactive kitten, who rarely ever sits still except when she mans her post on the window ledge.  Paisley (also known as The Smudge in certain international intelligence gathering circles) will sit for up to ten minutes at a time staring out the window at nothing, making strange clicking noises.  I didn't think anything of it at first.  That is, until I noticed a pattern.

You see, Paisley's extremely smart for a kitten.  Finding her asleep after working on a Sudoku puzzle was my first clue (pictured above).  I mean, what kind of cat does a Sudoku in pen?

Actor portrayal of Paisley reporting in.

It was, however, my familiarity with Morse Code that clued me in.  As a descendent of Samuel F. B. Morse himself, I was able to recognize the familiar sounds of the dots and dashes Paisley made while sitting at the window.  That, coupled with how smart I know her to be, led me to believe that this was no coincidence.  She was sharing our secrets.

Paisley is not alone.  A quick search of YouTube provides countless documented results of cats, often staring out the window at nothing, making chattering noises.  This can only mean one thing, a full blown conspiracy.  Smart cats everywhere are telling our most intimate details to the NSA.

Do not be fooled by their angelic looks.  Cats are not your friends.  It may have cost me my freedom to clue you all in to this mind-blowing conspiracy; life is tough for a whistle blower.  As I post the damning piece of evidence on the NSA's latest spying tactics, I'm winging my way to parts unknown to seek asylum from any potential blowback from cluing the public in to this vast federal conspiracy.  You all deserve to know the truth about cats and I don't regret what I've done.

Do you think Snowden needs a roommate?
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  1. Oh lordy... I thought my Malcolm was just chattering away at the squirrels terrorizing him from the other side of the window... Now, I'm not sure... Better wrap him in tinfoil just to be safe! ;)

    1. Tin foil? Brilliant! That'll interfere with the NSA's receiver equipment for sure.