Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Supernatural Boyfriends Suck

by Megan S.

Nothing gets our blood pumping like a sexy supernatural.  Weres, vamps, sorcerers, we love 'em all.  But there's something we never talk about. It's the proverbial 500lb gorilla in the middle of the room* we all ignore. Well, no longer, kids.  You better brace yourself 'cause I'm about to speak the truth.

Supernaturals make the WORST boyfriends and I'm not talking about the whole "my life is danger because I love you" thing that always seems to happen.  I mean the everyday crap that makes a healthy and happy relationship impossible.  Don't believe me?  See for yourself...


Bloodsuckers we lust after: Damon of The Vampire Diaries, David Solomon of Queen of Shadows, and Chivalry of Generation V

Why they're not worth it:

1. "Necking" is now hazardous to your health. Hickeys from human guys may be embarrassing, but the potential for dying from a love bite is way worse.
2. Forget about doing things as a couple in the sunlight.  Unless he's one of the chosen few with a ring, you can kiss those romantic daytrips goodbye.
3. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD?!  Seriously, these guys can barely control their bloodlust when you get a papercut.  What the hell is going to happen during the five to seven days a month when you're shedding your uterine lining?
4. Cooking for one can be so lonely.
5. His lack of reflection means a. you have to be the one to tell him if he has a booger and b. no cute couple selfies to share on Instagram.


Weres we lust after: Curran of the Kate Daniels, Jeremy of Otherworld, Adam of Mercy Thompson

Why they're not worth it:

1. It's impossible to consume enough allergy medication to deal with the sheer amount of fur a 200 pound animal sheds every full moon.
2. You'll be dropping off all of the good candlesticks, half of your flatware, and ton of jewelry at the Goodwill store because "somebody" doesn't like silver in his immediate vicinity.
3. There's never any room for ice cream or those delicious bacon wrapped scallops from Trader Joe's because the freezer is stocked with wild game.
4. When you get annoyed he keeps missing the bowl in the middle of the night, he responds that he didn't miss, he was actually marking his territory.
5. Lycanthropy is the worst kind of STD.


Revenants we lust after: R of Warm Bodies

Why they're not worth it:

1. He falls to pieces at the worst times... literally.
2. The man has a one-track mind.  It's always, "Braaaaaaains, braaaaaains, braaaaaains." 
3. You can light as many scented candles as you want.  It's still not going to cover up that smell of decay.
4. That guy is the absolute worst when it comes to meaningful conversations. Grunting and moaning just won't cut it when you want to have The Talk.


Slayers we lust after: Dean Winchester of Supernatural, Jace of Mortal Instruments, Ichabod Crane of Sleepy Hollow

Why they're not worth it:

1. Asking him to wear something nice to dinner with your folks is absolutely pointless.  He's just gonna get viscera on it when he dispatches some Big Bad in the restaurant parking lot.
2. He takes up more than half of the closet space with various weapons and demon dispatching paraphernalia.
3. You can never have a weekend vacation without him running into something exotic and nasty.

So you see, dear reader, supernatural boyfriends aren't all they've cracked up to be.  Heed my warnings and lust from a distance.  You'll be glad you didn't have to deal with all their otherworldly baggage.

*Or, in the case of Misfits, the hot guy in the gorilla costume who really was a great ape that transformed into a human after that meteor shower.  Awwwwwkkkkk-warrrrrrd.
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