Monday, February 24, 2014

If the Olympic Games Took Place in Fantastical Lands

by Sara N.

The 2014 Olympic Winter Games came to an end on Sunday with all of the pomp and spectacle and parading and silly costumes that are required of such an event. And now begins the two-year wait for the next round of televised superhuman battles to make us feel like lazy slobs on our couches.


In the meantime, let's ponder what it would be like if the Olympics took place in some of our favorite fantastical lands.


The Frozen kingdom —How could you ever prepare to compete? The place turns into winter during the summer, leaving the track and field people freezing in their running gear and the swimmers fighting their way out of blocks of ice. Then once Elsa is OK, the ice disappears, and the skaters have to swim out of the pond and awkwardly clomp their way across grass. One bright spot for the U.S.: Lolo Jones is prepared for any eventuality. (Hat tip to Meghan!)

Is it summer? Is it winter? It's both!

Westeros from Game of Thrones — In these Olympic Games, you win or you die. So practice your syncopated dragon riding, kiddies of the Riverlands; you don't want to win a silver medal here. (Also, you just know Joffrey would make himself the final Olympic torchbearer. That monster.)

Oh, Sansa. Sweet, sweet Sansa.

Night Vale — Hazardous to all the athletes. Jet planes could materialize in the competition arena. Little people could come boiling out from under the bowling alley to attack your quarter-final heat. The Olympic Village could be built in the Dog Park. (Oh, wait, that's ridiculous. Neither dogs nor humans are allowed in the Dog Park.) Countries will send countless delegates. None will return to their homelands.

Let's just hope those jerks from Desert Bluffs don't wander by and screw everything up.

Sleepy Hollow — First, is it a large enough city to manage all of the infrastructure that comes with hosting the Games? And second, what will we do about all the murders? Enough people are beheaded in Sleepy Hollow every month that it makes the Sochi problems look tame. And is there is no more off-putting Olympic mascot than a red-eyed nightmare stallion. (Hat tip to Kathy!)


The Horseman demands to know why polo is not an Olympic sport.

Battle School from Ender's Game — The Zero G battle room isn't ideal for anyone. Sure, the snowboarders and gymnasts can execute their flips, but with no gravity to hold them back, everyone's an ariel acrobat. Also, the skaters' blades are deadly when everyone's bouncing around and there is no up or down.

Shot putting is especially difficult in this scenario.

Legoland — If you thought cross-country skiing was bad on slushy snow, try it on bricks. Plus, all of the figure skating events are unbearable because they're all set to "Everything Is Awesome." (Hat tip to Megan!)

Now try that on a snowboard, tough guy.

Hogwarts — Boring! Everyone uses magic for sabotage and personal advantage. Sure, wizard battles are fun, but the Olympics are about watching the best athletes prevail, no magic involved. On the other hand, horrific injuries are quickly healed. Usually.

It's fixed ... ish.


Middle-Earth — You've seen how crazy the folks in Middle-Earth are for rings. Can you imagine what they'd do for medals, my preciousssssss? (Hat tip to Meghan!)

On the plus side, the opening ceremony couldn't possibly be any longer than a dwarf song about doing the dishes.

Asgard — This location would be a nightmare of ...

Oh, who am I kidding? If these are the athletes competing, we'll be there to watch.

Singlets for everyone!
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