Friday, November 15, 2013

Your '90s Crushes Will Make You Feel Like a Creepy Old Woman

by Sara N.

Oh, Wesley.
In 1991, my love for Wil Wheaton was a pure and shining beacon. He was cute and smart and he got to travel through space in that sweet jumpsuit, you guys! And then, I caught a rerun of Star Trek: TNG a few months ago, and I physically recoiled from the screen. Wesley Crusher was an infant, a mere baby! It made me feel decidedly creepy about my two-decades old crush on him. (Also, he was kind of a sanctimonious pratt when viewed through adult eyes, as it turns out. Shut up, Wesley.)

I suspect a good portion of the Stellar Four readership was a pre-teen, tween, or young teenager at some point during the '90s. This means we all cultivated crushes on the non-threatening, semi-androgynous young male stars that roamed the entertainment landscape 20 years ago. And I'm sad to report that when you look today at the way your crushes looked in the '90s, you're going to feel like a lecherous old lady. And on the flip side, the adult men that were, like, soooooo oooooold back then were actually delicious specimens of crush-worthy manhood that our 12-year-old selves simply couldn't appreciate.

Keep reading for a list of the sci fi/fantasy actors we luuuurved in the 90s but would chase off of our lawns today, plus a bonus list of actors that our grown-up selves can definitely appreciate now.

Our crushes then

Tell me you don't feel a little weird for declaring that you'd marry these boys and only these boys where you were 14.


Joshua Jackson in Magic in the Water. I think he's got more hair than head here.

Jonathan Brandis in Seaquest DSV. RIP, JB. Sniff!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 3rd Rock Rock from the Sun. Thankfully, he grew up to be adult crush-worthy.



Devon Sawa in Casper. He grew up to be less crush-worthy, sadly.
Leonardo DiCaprio in William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet. (What's that you say? It's not sci fi/fantasy? SHAKESPEARE TRANSCENDS GENRES, BITCHES!)

Men we'd be crushing on now

In the 1990s, I looked at these guys as impossibly, disgustingly geriatric. Today? Hello, handsome man with a job, a house, and the ability to grow facial hair!

This conundrum is perfectly encapsulated in this clip from Star Trek: TNG. I distinctly remember watching this episode at the time with eyes only for Wesley and wishing the old people would stop talking. But now? Well, see for yourself.



GODDAMN, WILLIAM T. RIKER. PANTIES OFF!

So who else did we overlook in our pre-pubescent state? I've got a couple of contenders, many of whom will depend upon your age when viewing the shows originally. You may have had the good taste to crush on these guys at the time. If so, in the parlance of the '90s, you go girl.

Patrick Stewart in Star Trek: The Next Generation: Bald is beautiful #1.

Mitch Pilleggi in The X-Files: Bald is beautiful #2.

George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn. Look, he's always been handsome, but he was definitely a man. And I was not a teenage girl who knew what to do with all of that sexual charisma, to be honest. 

Anthony Stewart Head in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Always a father figure to me when I watched the show. Now, though, why yes, I would like to check out your library books.

Kurt Russell and James Spader in Stargate. It's a two-fer.

Richard Dean Anderson in Stargate SG-1. The no-mullet look is good on him.
Julian McMahon in Charmed. Another actor who was handsome but slightly too old to ping on the crush radar at the time.

Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park. Seriously, what young teenage girl could handle the raw masculinity of Dr. Ian Malcolm? And what adult woman wouldn't want to, knowwhatimean?

Which characters did I leave off my list, on the young end or the old end? Let me know in the comments!
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1 comment:

  1. I remember Riker being one of my very first crushes when I was a little girl. Must have been ahead of my time! I also wanted to marry J. Brandis and was devastated when I heard about his death.

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