by Sara N.
The X-Files had some outstanding moments over its nine-season run. But let's be honest: It also had some moments that were kind of turkeys. I've run down the good, the bad and the goofy here.
Mulder has a water bed and doesn't know where it came from.
(Come on, the porn addiction is too easy.)
"Ice." It's the most tense "who's really the monster?" situation to hit an isolated arctic research station since Kurt Russell and his mighty beard.
|Side note: Scully, honey, we need to talk about your Season 1 hair.|
Saddest ode to Groundhog Day
"Monday." It's a day that always ends unhappily for someone.
|This is an unacceptable outcome.|
Best episode to inspire a rock band
"Eve." This freaky clone episode is the origin of the band name Eve Six.
|These, however, are clearly Eves 9 and 10.|
Dullest use of screen time
I'm sorry. I must've dozed off on my keyboard there.
A tie: "Small Potatoes" and "Bad Blood." Oh, and "War of the Coprophages." And "Syzygy." And "Jose Chung's From Outer Space."
|"Should we be picking out China patterns, or what?"|
|"And it wasn't even real cream cheese, it was light cream cheese!"|
|"Hate him. Wouldn't want to date him."|
|"She remains, nevertheless, a federal employee."|
"First-Person Shooter." I only watched it once, when it aired in 2000, and I remember it being kinda patronizing, with head-scratching misuses of technical terms and poor Scully having to suit up in some kind of plastic video game gear. Would it be better on a repeat viewing? I don't care to find out. (Heresy, I know, since it was written by the great William Gibson. He must've been having an off day.)
|Mulder's glasses are also major offenders here.|
Coolest Scully tease
An immortal Scully? Maybe, if you follow the hints the show dropped during its run. When Scully asks the psychic Clyde Bruckman how she would die, he responds, "You don't." In "Tithonus," when Death comes for Scully, photographer Alfred Fellig tells her to look away. He dies in her place, and Scully misses her date with Death. On top of that, her tattoo from "Never Again" is an Ouroboros, a symbol of immortality. The show dropped these breadcrumbs but never dealt with the issue head on, leaving it a subtle suggestion for fans to ponder.
Not so crazy now, huh?
Best cartoon tribute
The Simpsons episode "The Springfield Files" featured the voices of Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny as they investigated a possible alien sighting in Springfield. Multiple X-Files references abounded.
|Don't we all carry that picture in our wallets, though?|
In a show unafraid to kill off its key players, Clyde Bruckman's death stands out. Guest star Peter Boyle faces his mortality with acceptance and even humor, and his poignant exit leaves Scully — and the audience — in tears.
Most pointless, frustrating death
The poor Lone Gunmen in the aptly named "Jump the Shark." Those were the dumbest and most preventable deaths in TV history. Why did they give up so easily? Just punch that terrorist dude and run out of the room before you get locked in! The world is a sadder and less quirky place without them.
|Always in our hearts, guys.|
Mulder kissing a WWII-era Scully, who has no idea why he's doing it, in "Triangle." But he just can't help himself.
GUH. This scene kills me dead.
Runner-up: Mulder and Scully dancing in black and white at the end of "Post-Modern Prometheus." I mean, look at how they're looking at each other! Look! (I may be getting a little screechy at this point. My long-dormant shippiness has resurfaced with a vengeance this week.)
Most valiant effort that still failed
You really tried, guys, but it was no good. The magic was long gone.
|Good hustle, though.|
Still baffled by the legless cart guy from "Badlaa" who killed people by climbing into their butts? Yeah, me too.
|"I have to do what, now?"|
Best song inspired by the show
Bree Sharp's "David Duchovny." Seriously, it is brilliant and you will want to sing along.
Best lyrics inspired by the show's theme song
In 1997, David Duchovny told Rosie O'Donnell that the show's composer, Mark Snow, once told him the lyrics to the theme song. Are you ready? Here they are:
The X-Files is a show
With music by Mark Snow
The X-Files is a show
With music by Mark Snow
Try singing it along to the theme some time. I promise you, after you do it once, you will never be able to not sing those lyrics for the rest of your life. (I did try to find the video clip for this, but sadly, it does not exist on the Internet.)
Samantha Mulder was ... taken up into starlight? Um, wut? That's the answer to the central mystery that's been driving the whole show? Oooookay.
|Not pictured: Starlight|
Most shocking sentence uttered
"I'm sorry, but you have something I need." But ... but that means that Scully has cancer. How can Scully have cancer?
|Worst bath ever.|
Most dated technology
Mulder's cell phones. Cutting-edge then, hilarious now
She actually ate that cricket in "Humbug."
|Like a boss.|
Thing I'd most like to forget
David Duchovny's awful crying face in "The Field Where I Died." (Actually, I'd like to forget that whole past-lifey episode, which implied that Mulder and Scully were destined to be only pals, while Mulder's true love was some lady who committed suicide as part of a cult. Lame!)
"Dreamland" parts 1 and 2 were the perfect mix of brain-twisting sci fi, physical comedy, and genuine emotions. A mysterious aircraft near Area 51 causes Mulder to switch bodies with Man in Black Morris Fletcher, played by Michael McKean. This leads to hilarity as Mulder tries (badly) to settle into Fletcher's life with his wife and children, while Scully starts to realize there is something incredibly wrong with her partner. It's a punch in the gut when Mulder and Scully realize they may be permanently separated by this body switch and are forced to say goodbye. This two-parter highlights everything the series did so well.
Also, "Dreamland" gave us this scene.
Creepiest inanimate object
That goddamn doll from "Chinga."
"I want to play!"
Best annoyed comeback
"Sure. Fine. Whatever."
I don't know about you, but I still use this to end fights.
Did I miss any of your faves? Least faves? Let me know in the comments!