by Megan S.
What the fabulous Wilderness Girls of Beverly Hills troop leader Phyllis Neffler and I call roughing it, the rest of the world calls glamping, or luxury camping. But I ask you, does this look glamorous?
Nay! There is no more ice to keep her champagne cold. There is no wait staff to help her out of her coat. She must bear these burdens in silence, people! The beguiling Phyllis is sacrificing her well-being for the betterment of her campers. This is the epitome of roughing it.
It's too bad Leader Neffler and I are on the side of good. If we were villains, we could go camping in style. What do I mean, you ask? Why, think about it. Villains have all the best tools at their disposal to make communing in the woods truly glorious. If we were on the side of evil, we could have...
Minions - Despicable Me
First and foremost, I'd have minions. Not Glory of Buffy the Vampire Slayer's minions, with all of their scabby, groan worthy obeisance. No. I want Gru's minions, who are legion and adorable. Sure, they may break things sometimes but they're hilarious and will do all of the heavy lifting.
Vanishing Cabinet - Harry Potter
I always forget at least one thing when packing for vacation. If I had access to a Vanishing Cabinet, (and unlike Draco, I'd actually repair mine), I could have a minion pop it in one side and have instantly appear in the other wherever I am. Need a poisoned apple? Done! Need a copy of Machiavelli's The Prince for a little light reading at bedtime? My wish is the cabinet's command.
Magic Mirror - Snow White
Now, how will I entertain my campers when cellphone signals are notoriously spotty in the wilds? Why with my magic mirror, of course. Not only can it keep us abreast of all the news from home, I'm pretty sure I could hack it to show premium movie channels.
Mad Scientist's Laboratory - Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog
How many times have you heard that goody goody Bond ask for a martini, shaken not stirred? Countless. And do you know why? Because poncy do-gooders like 007 don't have access to the fully equipped mad scientist's lab necessary to make a fantastic cocktail. Therefore, Dr. Horrible's set up is a must when camping.
Downloadable Skills - Dollhouse
Speaking of cocktails, what better way to appreciate the outdoors than by including some of the local berries in my Sangria? I'll need to have extensive knowledge of all of the surrounding flora and fauna to make sure I don't "accidentally" poison anyone, but I'd rather not take the time to actually study. All I need to do is pop by my local Dollhouse and download the skill set.
Jabba's Sail Barge, the Khetanna - Star Wars
Now, for a place to stay. Sure, sultan tents look fabulous but I prefer something a little more solid. I'd need something like Jabba's sail barge. That overgrown slug's little skiff is just the thing to keep the sun out of my eyes while lounging on the poop deck and I just love the faux weather-beaten look of the hull. I wonder if he got it at Pottery Barn.
Ruby Slippers - The Wizard of Oz
When I want to go home, I want to go home right now, none of this traveling nonsense. If I had the Wicked Witch of the East's ruby slippers, I'd be set. Not only could I click my heels and leave nature behind at any time, I'd look fabulous while wearing them.
Stay Puft Marshmallow Man - Ghostbusters
One word: s'Mores.
If you were a villain, what gadgets would you bring camping?