Friday, August 16, 2013

An Open Letter to the Lovely, Crazy People Who Run True Blood

by Sara N.

*Spoilers through Season 6, episode 9, AKA everything leading up to Sunday's finale*

Dear Insane and Benevolent People Who Give Us True Blood:

Thank you. Really. Your show is the most cheerfully nihilistic piece of sexy summertime junk food television, and I appreciate the hell out of it. Even though some plot points are more misses than hits (the Ifrit, Jason Stackhouse being were-raped, Marnie the lamest witch, whatever was going on with Alcide and his wolves this season), you always throw in enough goodcrazytimes to keep us coming back. Because let's face it, we're here for the goodcrazytimes  Neck-breaking vampire sex. Televised spine-ectomies. Bill hilariously bursting into flames. Pam and Lafayette, just always. This is why we tune in.

Regarding Season 6, which clocks in at a lean 10 episodes, I have to give you a sincere round of applause. You've kept your storytelling (mostly) on pace and given us (mostly) relevant storylines, all wrapped up in some lovely, old-school gothic imagery. (Eric seducing and turning the governor's daughter was all I ever wanted from your show, to be honest.) You even pared down your cast of thousands with deaths that ranged from kinda sad ...

to gut-wrenching ...

to crazy-pants ...

to absolutely unforgivable. (You were a fantastic villain, Steve Newlin! We'll always have your hamster wheel run!)

But may I make a request for next season? More flashbacks. OK, fewer "Warlow in gauzy khaki and $50 worth of torches and straw" flashbacks ...

and more "Eric in long blond wigs and lacy shirts" flashbacks.

You've got some ooooooollllddddd vampires on your show. Let's see how they survived, who they knew, and what they wore. I'm not proposing a Highlander/Forever Knight-esque flashback every episode, but ... Actually, no. I am suggesting a Highlander/Forever Knight-esque flashback every episode. Yes, yes, I know that would change the rhythm of the show. But come on, who doesn't want to see more of a newly turned Pam, or Bill as a punk in the '80s, or Jessica's new long-haired vampire boyfriend as ... well, surprise us, True Blood. Was her new man candy a fur trapper in Canada in the 1800s? Or a 16th-century pirate who was turned before he lost his teeth to scurvy? Or a Calvin Klein underwear model? He was an underwear model, wasn't he?

Anyway, True Blood overlords, the historical fiction nerd in me would love to see how the morals and conventions of the time affect the characters we know today. And the costume slut in me wants to see pretty dresses and waistcoats and elaborate wigs. Bonus: I know Russell Edgington has met the true death, and I'm still miffed at you about this. But with flashbacks, we can see Russell again! Yes! Let us walk through the centuries with Russell!

So how about a storyline next season that's heavily tied to what the characters were doing in the past? A historical whodunit, a big bad rising up that the vamps think they'd defeated centuries ago, whatever. Just give us some historical context for our long-lived friends.

Also, if you could contrive of a way to keep Eric and Jason in jumpsuit-style uniforms for a while longer, that would be great.

Finally, vampires look ridiculous whey they fly. I beg you to make them stop.

Yours in sincere appreciation of vampire insanity and shirtless Alicde Herveaux, 

Sara from Stellar Four

P. S. Maybe also give book fans a tiny glimpse of Bubba? Pretty please?
Pin It


  1. I second the request for Bubba, and add that he please be played by Bruce Campbell.

  2. Yes! Much better season, but I require more flashbacks! I wouldn't be opposed to a whole season of "Interview with a Vampire"-eque story telling. Love the Pam/Eric flashbacks!

    1. Yes! It's that vintage Anne Rice feel that I loved this season. Haven't we all been waiting for Eric to float outside of someone's window, asking to be let in?

    2. Awesome. And the historical flashbacks are the best part. Still one of my favorites was the Operation Werewolf/Nazi era and I was begging for more of that as well. Especially the time that went into the extras that season.

      And I, too, have wanted Eric to float outside someone's window and it is always mine.