Monday, July 29, 2013

Do Not Go Camping

If you go camping, you are definitely going to die.

I'm not being an alarmist! Popular media has taught us that camping is the cause of death for at least 95% of people during the summer months. Trust me, movies don't lie. Between the monsters, murderers and ghosts, you are definitely going to die.

If you're already camping while you're reading this... well, it was nice knowing you. I promise to say nice things at your funeral. If you haven't gone camping yet take heed! Here are some of the dangers to be on the look out for.

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Serial Killers

The first thing you need to watch out for is serial killers. Serial killers love camp grounds. Usually they're located oddly close to minimum security insane asylums or were the scene of traumatic death or bullying. Don't be surprised if you see a guy in a hockey mask running at you with a machete or a chain saw. You're the one who went camping on their turf. The only hope you have is being a virgin. Your chance of survival increases slightly. But don't get cocky. Getting cocky is how you die.


Look, you are in the wilderness. Who knows what is out there? That rustle in the trees could be a friendly squirrel or a bloodthirsty rabid bear. You just don't know. You may find yourself trapped by wolves or bears or worse. There may be mutated creatures out there, ones that maybe live in the black lagoon near your tent. There may be giant ants who have been affected by radiation from the old, abandoned power station nearby. You may taunt Bigfoot with some beef jerky. Either way, there are things that go bump in the night and they will eat you alive, and I'm not just talking about the mosquitos.

Ghosts and Hauntings

Your camp ground is probably haunted. Just a friendly FYI. It might be on a sacred Indian burial ground or the site of a Civil War battle. There may have been a mass murder there or a fire. It's definitely haunted as shit. This isn't Casper we're talking about either, these are some restless evil ghosts. They hate that you're alive and you're messing up and disrespecting their land. They are ready to take matters into their own hands and it is not going to be pleasant. Don't believe in ghosts? Haha, you're cute. Tell that to the ephemeral plague-ridden pilgrim spirits as they're tearing you apart.     

The Cabin

Screw roughing it outside with a tent and a sleeping bag, you're living large in a cabin! It has four walls and a ceiling and a thirst for your blood! Maybe it's a cabin you stumbled upon, full of horrors just waiting to devour you and your idiot friends. Maybe it's the cabin you rented from that weird old guy in town, who laughed insanely as he handed you the keys. Either way, your cabin is definitely going to kill you.

The Water

What's camping without a lake nearby? You can paddle around in a canoe, drift around on an inner tube or leap in with the aid of a rope swing. It's fun times... until you're maimed and eaten by a shark. Or eels. Or piranhas. Or crocodiles. Or evil cannibal mermaids. That water is going to kill you, and I don't just mean give you dysentery. It's full of snakes and spiders and poisonous who-knows-whats.

The Undead and Demons

If you think you're safe from zombies while you're camping, you would be wrong. Zombies can attack at any time and they aren't scared of your little camp fire. Vampires? Vampires laugh at your pitiful defenses. Then there are the demons, who think the middle of nowhere is the perfect place to start the battle between the forces of good and evil. Even worse, the town you're camping near might be a hellmouth, or the axillary factory for the Umbrella Corp, or be named Silent Hill.  

The Aliens

You're out in the middle of no where, miles from civilization. Sure, it's nice at first. It's quiet and restful and at night you can see all those stars. The only trouble is the stars can see you too, and one of those stars is a spaceship and, well, you know what happens next. Hopefully they're friendly aliens who just want to say "howdy" and learn to make smores. More than likely, they want to dissect your brain while you're still alive to see what makes you tick. Hey, you SAID you didn't want to do any thinking while you were on this trip!


There are no words. You will die. No one will hear you scream. Do not pass "Go", do not collect $200.

Listen, if you can escape the murderous mental patients and cryptids and ghosts and aliens, you might have a nice time camping.

But why risk it?
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