Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Old School Zombie Management

Necromancer via Guild Wars 2
There are quite a few practical zombie management methods that get bandied about: Cardio. Crowbars. Shotguns. Those are nice. I mean, for most people, I think they're probably a great idea. However, I've never been a huge fan of running, crowbars are a little too up-close-and-personal for my taste, and shotguns require ammo.

No, when the dead rise, I'm going to be kicking it old school.

That's right, folks. I'm talking about necromancy.


The nice thing about necromancy is that not only can you use it to repel the walking dead, but also you can control them. This covers a wide variety of scenarios. If we're just talking about zombies, I can see a lot of practical applications. I mean, far from being a scourge, they'd really be pretty convenient - who hasn't wanted a totally compliant workforce to do all their chores? Plus, say we're talking about all manner of undead hordes. You could use ghosts to scout out supplies and run surveillance around your area. You could have a group of ghouls foraging for useful stuff. In the case of vampires, you might have to be a little careful, of course. They're tricksy.

(And let's talk about vampires. Sure, it's possible that they'd be 30 Days of Night vampires, in which case you'd want to stake them immediately if not sooner. Those guys are pretty dangerous. On the other hand, they might be Black Dagger Brotherhood or Anita Blake vampires. I'm pretty sure you know what to do with those, amirite?)

Ahem, right, back to zombies.

One of the concerns of the zombie apocalypse is your fellow human survivors. If all the damn zombies don't get you, the other cut-throat humans will. Having a few well-placed shamblers around the perimeter of your comfortable abode will do wonders for keeping other humans away. They're a deterrent to the smarter people and a defense against the dumber ones. When the dumb people attack, they'll just add to your zombie horde.  It's a self-perpetuating workforce!

Now, I don't want you to think that necromancy is an easy solution. On the contrary, it does have a few serious pitfalls. First and foremost, obtaining reliable educational materials is very difficult. I heard from a guy that knows a guy that the last person to try to master the Necromonicon got eaten. Plus, all that memorization? Forget about it. Second, you have to be on the lookout for other necromancers. The last thing you want is to build up a pretty great undead horde and then have somebody stronger than you take control of them. That leads to the screaming and the dying and then you're a zombie yourself and that is enough to ruin your day. Heck, if you're not vigilant, the horde might get away from you without anyone else's interference. Discipline is key.

In the end, I'd rather be a zombie queen than a scared rabbit hiding out in some farmhouse. I will bend the risen to my will and build my empire of the dead. I'll start small with just a few zombies but I can always make more. You know, just the other day I read a guide that told me where all the potential zombie slaves will be hiding out. Helpful stuff.
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5 comments:

  1. This is one of the most awesome posts ever! Talk about thinking outside the box : )!

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  2. The thought of what to do with Anita Blake/BDB vampires made me snort laugh. Thank you for that.

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  3. This is awesome! I am so changing my zombie apocalypse strategy.

    Hey, you should play "what fictional characters do I want by my side during the zombie apocalypse?" Very fun game, leads to excellent arguments. My kid insists Doctor Who is number one on his list, but I fear the good doctor would feel guilty about hurting the zombies and would endeavor to help them survive as sort of an equal opportunity life thing. I used to have Dean from Supernatural on my list, but then I saw the episode in the future, post zombie-apocalypse, and eh, he wasn't doing so well. Instead, I put Miles Vorkosigan first on my list. I am quite sure he'd come up with some really clever plan that would save the day. Or world.

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  4. Best post ever. I'll be on Pottermore boning up on my Dark Arts tonight, since the other options are less than palatable. Though definately acceptable as fallback strategies.
    On the matter of cardio as a zombie apocalypse strategy though, did you know there's an app for that? (I've always wanted to say that...) Check out Zombies, Run! I just learned about it here:
    http://lifehacker.com/5892625/zombies-run-turns-your-exercise-routine-into-a-game-of-survival
    How fun is that? Aside from the physical exercise thing, I mean. Sweating is so not my thing lol.

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    1. Heck yeah, that is awesome!

      Lilith Saintcrow uses this and seems to love it. Now that it's out for Android, I intend to pick it up. Which, I guess, means getting off my big booty and doing some running.

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