Friday, January 27, 2012
Which Popular Genre Heroes Have Relationship-Ending Dealbreakers?
I've been watching a lot of 30 Rock reruns lately because it's apparently a new law of the land that one episode must be on the air at all times between 5 and 11 p.m. every weekday. (Not that I'm complaining. I do love it so, and it's perfect television to sort laundry by.)
Anyway, one of the best story arcs is Liz Lemon's success as the Dealbreakers lady. If you're unfamiliar with the concept, here's a clip of Liz speaking truth and shutting it down:
Naturally, this made me wonder what dealbreakers she'd find among the male heroes of some of the most popular science fiction and fantasy books, movies and TV shows. (Hint: Most of them don't come off very well.)
Harry Dresden from Jim Butcher's Dresden Files: His technology issues are a concern. You'd be stuck taking cold showers, and he'd always be frying your iPhone. Dealbreaker.
The Doctor from Doctor Who: He has trouble with punctuality. He says he'll pick you up in the morning, and he's there at 8 a.m. ... 365 days later. Dealbreaker.
Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones: He's an attempted murderer of children. Also, he seems to spend a lot of time with his sister. Shut it down.
Luke Sywalker from Star Wars: The mechanical hand creeps me out. Also, he seems to spend a lot of time with his sister. Dealbreaker.
Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The problem isn't really the no soul thing, although admittedly, that's a drawback. Here's the real dealbreaker: Have you seen him dance?
Malcom Reynolds from Firefly: He has a tendency to refer to the women he fancies as "whore." He also might choke in the middle of a duel. Still ... that's not enough to call it off. He's a keeper.
Eric Northman from True Blood: Ugh, the tracksuits. Listen, if I wanted to date a pale Russian gangster, I'd be dating a pale Russian gangster. Dealbreaker.
Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings: He's kind of rocking a permed mullet. And does he always have to be barefoot? It's so not hygienic. Dealbreaker.
Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead: He sweats. Like, a lot. Constant, dripping sweat. On the other hand, he'd try really hard to keep me alive. Keeper.
Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings: That's not a beard. It's an English sheepdog attached to his chin. Dealbreaker.
Harry Potter from the J.K. Rowling books: Tough call. He's loyal, brave and magical, but he can get a little "I'm the chosen one, woe is me." Plus, he's so famous in the wizarding world that you'll always be known as Harry Potter's girlfriend. However, he can accio the remote control when you settle on the couch before realizing it's just out of reach. This one's too close to call. Ride it out for a few months and see how it goes.
Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation: When I was 13, he was my sun, moon and stars. Looking at him now? Hellooooooo, jailbait! Shut it down.
Blade from the comics, films and TV show: He's a bit of a single-minded killing machine who lacks any humor or levity. Dealbreaker.
Duncan MacLeod from Highlander: The Series: He's immortal, so he'll stay young and beautiful while I become a withered crone. My vanity can't handle that. Plus, his ponytail's goofy. Dealbreaker.
Fox Mulder from The X-Files: A bit of a porn problem. But you know what? We can work that out. He's a keeper.
So what dealbreakers did I overlook? Was I too harsh on any of these guys?