Friday, January 27, 2012

Which Popular Genre Heroes Have Relationship-Ending Dealbreakers?

by Sara N.

I've been watching a lot of 30 Rock reruns lately because it's apparently a new law of the land that one episode must be on the air at all times between 5 and 11 p.m. every weekday. (Not that I'm complaining. I do love it so, and it's perfect television to sort laundry by.)

Anyway, one of the best story arcs is Liz Lemon's success as the Dealbreakers lady. If you're unfamiliar with the concept, here's a clip of Liz speaking truth and shutting it down:



Naturally, this made me wonder what dealbreakers she'd find among the male heroes of some of the most popular science fiction and fantasy books, movies and TV shows. (Hint: Most of them don't come off very well.)



Harry Dresden from Jim Butcher's Dresden Files: His technology issues are a concern. You'd be stuck taking cold showers, and he'd always be frying your iPhone. Dealbreaker.


The Doctor from Doctor Who: He has trouble with punctuality. He says he'll pick you up in the morning, and he's there at 8 a.m. ... 365 days later. Dealbreaker.


Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones: He's an attempted murderer of children. Also, he seems to spend a lot of time with his sister. Shut it down.


Luke Sywalker from Star Wars: The mechanical hand creeps me out. Also, he seems to spend a lot of time with his sister. Dealbreaker.


Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The problem isn't really the no soul thing, although admittedly, that's a drawback. Here's the real dealbreaker: Have you seen him dance?


Malcom Reynolds from Firefly: He has a tendency to refer to the women he fancies as "whore." He also might choke in the middle of a duel. Still ... that's not enough to call it off. He's a keeper.


Eric Northman from True Blood: Ugh, the tracksuits. Listen, if I wanted to date a pale Russian gangster, I'd be dating a pale Russian gangster. Dealbreaker.



Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings: He's kind of rocking a permed mullet. And does he always have to be barefoot? It's so not hygienic. Dealbreaker.


Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead: He sweats. Like, a lot. Constant, dripping sweat. On the other hand, he'd try really hard to keep me alive. Keeper.



Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings: That's not a beard. It's an English sheepdog attached to his chin. Dealbreaker.


Harry Potter from the J.K. Rowling books: Tough call. He's loyal, brave and magical, but he can get a little "I'm the chosen one, woe is me." Plus, he's so famous in the wizarding world that you'll always be known as Harry Potter's girlfriend. However, he can accio the remote control when you settle on the couch before realizing it's just out of reach. This one's too close to call. Ride it out for a few months and see how it goes.


Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation: When I was 13, he was my sun, moon and stars. Looking at him now? Hellooooooo, jailbait! Shut it down.


Blade from the comics, films and TV show: He's a bit of a single-minded killing machine who lacks any humor or levity. Dealbreaker.


Duncan MacLeod from Highlander: The Series: He's immortal, so he'll stay young and beautiful while I become a withered crone. My vanity can't handle that. Plus, his ponytail's goofy. Dealbreaker.


Fox Mulder from The X-Files: A bit of a porn problem. But you know what? We can work that out. He's a keeper.

So what dealbreakers did I overlook? Was I too harsh on any of these guys?
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18 comments:

  1. "Listen, if I wanted to date a pale Russian gangster, I'd be dating a pale Russian gangster. Dealbreaker."

    That just made my day. Sara N., you're a keeper.

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    1. Hey, thanks!

      Jason Stackhouse's clothes were almost an improvement to Eric's usual wardrobe during the most recent season.

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  2. Maybe he's outside the niche, but I've always had a beef with Jack Sparrow as a heartthrob. I mean yea, daring buccaneer, but look at his profile: alcoholism, dissociative identity disorder, commitment issues, ex-lover is the Goddess of the Sea, dozens of enemies constantly trying to murder him, routinely leaves in the dead of night only to turn up years later with a disarming grin. Also probably scurvy.

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    1. Oh, good call. Plus, he has dodgy teeth, and he'd constantly be stealing my eyeliner.

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    2. My first concern would be the dental hygiene. You know kissing him would engage gag reflex.

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  3. While on the vampire thing...gotta consider my fav - Spike from BtVS and Angel. In thinking about it, the whole obsessive stalking thing is a bit off-putting and there is the whole immortality thing (I'm torn on whether that is a good thing or not). But... he would be willing to die (again) for me/you -- a definite plus. That said, he would probably be another one who would steal your eyeliner AND any black nail polish you have around. So...as much as I love him -- gotta say -- Dealbreaker!!

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    1. Plus, I always imagine he constantly smells of bleach. His hair regimen must be exhausting.

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    2. *lol* Definitely...as much as I like the look (on him at least), at times it just looks -- crunchy. that said, he gets bonus points for me for the leather duster (*droooool*). Nothing quite like the smell of well worn leather *wistful sigh*

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    3. Speaking of his coat ... Did you see the episode where Spike acquired it? I remember gusts of online rage from Buffy-ologists over that storyline. Given the Ph.D. in your name, I'm assuming it's something you'd be interested in (assuming you didn't read the angry screeds at the time).

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    4. Bugger...my research area is online chat -- that would be an AWESOME chat/discussion list log to get hold of *wistful sigh* Ohhh...the papers I could get out of that *lol* Might have to do some digging and see if I can find some archived somewhere.

      And yeah...Saw the episode. It is actually one of my favs because it gives some insight into the way Spike's mind works. How he got the jacket didn't really bother me much, it just seemed... natural for his whole 'Spike' persona at that point.

      Sorry...you got my research-brain going...I'll shut her up now *lol*

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    5. I love the research-brain! And actually, I'm sure the commentary still exists. I read most of it at Television Without Pity, the pinnacle of entertaining over-analysis. I bet there've been people debating that episode without the last month.

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  4. This post is just made of awesome!

    What about Wesley from Buffy/Angel?

    Wesley from Buffy: bureaucratic snob and a coward. Plus came between Giles & Buffy. Dealbreaker

    Wesley from Angel: by the last season I think he would have been a keeper (except for a certain spoilery part I won't mention)

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    1. Man, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce has the best character arc of any character ever. By the end, I'd totally have kept him.

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    2. Oh yeah...Wesley by the end of Angel was a definite keeper! As they say, I wouldn't have kicked him out of bed for eating crackers!

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    3. Wesley's whole storyline was heartbreaking. And "What's a rogue demon?" is a favorite saying around my house.

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    4. When he told Illyria to lie to him, I cried. Freaking giant tears. It still gets me.

      Whedon kicks so much ass in creating characters.

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  5. Sorry, got to say I think Dresden's a keeper. I'm sure I could convince him to magically warm a tub of water if I ask with the right amount of incentive and call me crazy, but I can learn to leave my cell in my car. Just think of the perks.... your time together will never be interrupted by work calls, his friends texting, checking FB, sports scores updates, plus he would be more than willing to let me read in peace and quiet on occasion while he's off working in his lab. Now the occasional zombies coming to call, or psycho fae friends and family that seem to pop in unexpectedly....that could be a problem.

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