Monday, January 2, 2012

20 Timely New Year's Resolutions to Use When Someone Asks

by Megan S.

via Dan Moyle
Not everybody wants to either make New Year's resolutions or share them with random acquaintances.  So, with that in mind, here are 20 resolutions for 2012 you can offer up when someone asks this week, 'cause you know it's bound to happen.

1. Finally find the Higgs Boson in my Where's Waldo books. It's so hard 'cause all the theoretical particles are wearing stripes!

2. Remember to take my Cortexiphan prescription from that doctor I met in Boston.

3. Wear more black to play up my lack of melanin.

4. Memorize every line from Big Bang Theory season two.

5. Build a highly detailed diorama of Doc Emmet's lab from Back to the Future.

6. Learn to levitate.

7. Paste Big Brother is Watching You (So Remember to Wash Your Hands!) posters above the toilets in public restrooms.

8.  Use "Tachyon fields" in a sentence at least once a week.

9. Write a Doctor Who/Ewoks: The Battle for Endor Crossover fanfic.

10. Perform ethically questionable genetic experiments on Cadbury Cream Eggs.

11. Carve a granite statue of Neil deGrasse Tyson as greek god Zeus.

12. Start an online movement to bring back WB alien series Roswell so we can finally find out what happened to Max and Liz after the wedding.

13. Take a vacation to Mystic Falls, VA to immerse myself in the town's rich history and attractive community members.

14. Finish my life-sized macaroni mosaic of Wesley Crusher.

15. Finally pony up the $500 for the Rosetta Stone language DVDs because this is the year I learn Elvish.

16. Create an Etsy shop to sell "Re-Elect President Roslin in 2012. So Say We All!" and "Attractive and Nubile Space Groupies for Gaius Baltar" bumper stickers.

17.  Write my Mass Communications dissertation on the masculation of Xander Harris in Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode "The Zeppo" and entitle it "Finding Xander's Penis."

18. Use Google Maps to uncover the town of Eureka and blow the whistle on their science experiments which threaten the globe weekly.

19. Create the ultimate emergency shelter outfitted with every Star Wars expanded universe novel for the coming Mayan apocalypse on December 21, 2012.

20. Set up motion-activated infra-red cameras to finally solve whether or not my dolls do move when I'm not looking.

Have any ridiculous resolutions you wanna share?  Post 'em in the comments!
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  1. By 2013, I want all of us posting in Elvish.

  2. I will post in Klingon to keep it real for the science fiction crowd.