Monday, November 7, 2011

Troublsome Transylvanian Tumble

by Megan S.



Sex with a vampire may sound romantic but is it a good idea? It rarely seems to turn out well. When Bella and Edward finally have chilled sparkly sex, it results in her being beaten FROM THE INSIDE. Angel and Buffy? His true moment of post-coital happiness brings about the return of sadistic Angelus.  But despite all of the carnal carnivore canon, the allure of performing the Transylvanian Tumble with a child of the night is still pretty... enthralling.

Whatever your decision is when the opportunity arises,* Planned Parenthood wants you to know how to protect yourself from centuries old STDs.  Here's what the national sexual reproductive health care provider has to say about doin' the undead deed:


Let’s face it: vampires can rack up a lot of sexual partners over the years. Your vampire might be the same age as you, or she or he might be thousands of years old. But no matter how old you are, if you’re going to jump into bed with a vampire, you’re going to need more than a clove of garlic to protect your health.

Here are some things to think about before you enter into a sexual relationship with a vampire:
• Vampires might be immortal, but you’re not. It’s important for both vampires and humans to get tested for STDs. Use this tool to find out if you should get tested for STDs.

• Ladies, just because a vampire says he can’t get you pregnant*, it doesn’t mean he can’t give you an STD. And guys, just because a vampire says she’s on the pill, it doesn’t mean that you can’t get an STD. Use a condom correctly every time.

• Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of the moment to bring up safer sex. Vampires have been known to “glamour” people to get their way, so play it safe and make it clear that you won’t have sex without protection right from the start.

Remember, a vampire who doesn't care about protecting your health is not the kind of vampire that you want to get involved with. Not sure if you’re dating the right vampire? We can help you figure it out.

* Let’s not forget, Edward got Bella pregnant in the Twilight series, going against hundreds of years of vampire lore. So even if your vampire tells you he can’t get you pregnant, why risk it? Condoms are not only a great way to prevent STDs, they’re effective at preventing pregnancy. Even better, use a condom along with another birth control method.
Geez, have human/vampire booty call buddies ever turned out to be a good thing?  Give us examples of famous twosomes and how it turned out in the comments!

*I get bonus points for double puns, right?
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2 comments:

  1. [Potential spoilers for Night HUntress series and Sunshine below.]

    I've been trying to think of instances where this really works out (and in this case I'm ignoring all paranormal vampire romance, cause that feels like a cheat).

    The only times I think it's "worked" has been when it's not a vamp/human pairing.

    Take Cat & Bones from Jeaniene Frost's Night Huntress books. She's half-human, half-vampire (to say the whole experience screwed up her mom is an understatement). Yeah, this edges really close to the romance line, but Frost plays enough with the "romance rules" that I'm putting it in here. It's also never easy (thankfully - that would be boring).

    Sunshine & Constantine - although I can't really say that they have a lasting relationship beyond their partnership (and we'll never know since it's a standalone), but again, Sunshine ain't all human.

    That's all my brain has tonight. :)

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  2. I think you'd need kryptonite condoms or something. Vampire semen/sperm might be extra powerful. Regular condoms may protect you against STD's, but if immortal sperm chewed through latex, you'd be, um, f***ed. In a very bad way possibly. On a plus side, condoms made of impenetrable metals would probably be washable and reusable. Better for the environment and your budget! So maybe that vampy love partner isn't such a bad choice after all.

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